The could’ve been.

By curiousillusion ( December 22, 2009 at 5:14 pm) · Filed under relationships, , ,

Do you have a person, an ex perhaps, that was a “could’ve been”?  For all intents and purposes, that person was good, better than so many others, there was potential for some form of relationship… but, for whatever reason, it just didn’t work out?  No horrible breakup, no huge flaw… just something didn’t take and so you drifted apart?  I’m stuck on mine. (Btw, you notice how I was all gender neutral there?  Yeah I tried to be, for you guys. Awww.)

I’m very much of the mindset that, if it’s meant to happen, it will happen.  If we weren’t meant to be together then tragic, but that means that there’s someone else out there for me.   Now, when I have a bad breakup (and, aren’t most breakups bad?), I always have that set of time where I don’t wish them well, I don’t hope they find someone else… I just want to be petty because if I’m alone, shouldn’t they be alone too?  But eventually I move on emotionally, and in my head I wish them happiness.

And I do, I wish all my exes happiness, deep down.  Even the one that really messed with my head and screwed with my heart.  And even this guy.  This could’ve been guy.  But at the same time that I’m wishing him happiness, I’m wishing *we* could have had that happiness.  I get jealous if I think he has a girl, or even if I get the impression that he doesn’t want to hang out with me and that’s silly because I’m the one that left.  We could’ve been so much more than we were, and it’s because of me.  I have no right to be jealous.  And yet I am.  Because he’s my could’ve been guy.

I don’t know what I’m getting at.  I guess I’m just bummed.  It’s been a year, an entire year, of me being single and while it’s been mostly a good year… I’m ready for an adventure.  I’m ready for at least a little bit of dating – is that too much to ask for?  And I guess when I start thinking like that, I think about my could’ve been guy and I wonder why it ended up could’ve been and not more.  I know I need to let him go, and let the *idea* of him go.  It’s just hard. He’s my could’ve been guy for a reason – he’s a good guy and he always treated me great.   Sigh.

I guess I just need to keep in mind that there’s someone out there for me, someone that’s even better than my could’ve been guy.  Just wish he’d hurry up and get here…

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  • I think a lot of people have felt this way. I know my "other Ari" has/does. It's so hard, but it's a process I think. Don't feel silly for having those thoughts/feelings. They're completely legitimate.

    It sounds like you're working past "what if"ing yourself to death, and that's really a huge step.

    Consider yourself hugged.
  • Elliot
    Never thought I'd go on a blog and do the whole "you've just hit the nail on the head with how I'm feeling right now" thing...

    But thank you!
  • Ok, been reading for a little bit but I have to finally de-lurk and chime in: Yeah, I'm totally with you.

    But the way I see it is everyone can be a "could have been" -- because I have the firm belief that love is built, not found, and it's done together. The "finding" part is the kickstarter, though. And lordy, if you find out how to get that to run please let us know because some of us readers (*ahem*) could use the advice.
  • ari_b
    I've been doing this with my ex-husband. Its not so much that I wish us to be back together - I have a wonderful boyfriend now - but I miss the guy that my ex was at the begining of our relationship. That's my "coulda-been" guy. It kills me now to learn that he's reverted back to how he was and that he's happy with his new girlfriend. It's absolutely ridiculous I know, but I don't know how to make myself not jealous other than ignoring my ex's existence . . .
  • I only went out with one person and ended up marrying him so I don't have the ex-thing. Thanks for flagging up the problem with that photo by the way, I think it's fixed now. :)
  • I hear what your saying and here are my words of wisdom "Never settle" there is someone just for you out there...boy, I hope Santa reads your blog tonight!
  • I'm sorry Ari! :(
    I've never really had that "could have been" experience, but mostly because I've been in relationships for the past 7 years. At least you have learned to be single. Now when you find Mr. Right (and I know you will!) you will be stronger and better for it.
    I'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us!
    Here's to love in the new year!
  • Cynthia Vaughn
    Sorry, you would NOT be without.
  • Cynthia Vaughn
    If the "could have been" was really meant to be, you would be without. When the SUPPOSE TO BE, comes along you'll both know it's right. All of the stars will line up and everything will just work. Keep your eyes and heart open. Don't rush it. PUSH(pray until something happens) Until, now or the last 21 years. I got a keeper. We're celebrating 22 years on Christmas day.
  • I hear ya! I believe when something's not meant to happen, we can do everything in our power yet still not make it happen...why? Because it wasn't meant to be. Does that even any make sense?

    Anyway, I'm sure you'll find the right person some day. So when we see the number of your blog posts dropping....we'll know :)

    Enjoy the moment girl!!
  • TotallyHeather
    Oh... The could've been guy.... Siiiigh. Still makes me giggly.

    But I was just thinking while I was pouring my lemonade. We both agreed that we let ourselves get carried away and we fall too quickly for guys. Well what if our could've been guys were just average guys and we're just making them out to be so much more perfect than they actually were....

    Or maybe they just really are great guys that we let go...

    But here's to 2010! New beginnings!
  • Did I hear you say, "I'm ready for an adventure"?

    Oh, be prepared! =D
  • haha, i just signed up for internet dating a couple of days ago, we will see how this goes! sometimes it's hard to let go of the past, but you really have to, we're only on earth for a short time.
  • Lucy
    I get how you feel, my could have been guy is gone now :( I also seem to attract really weird guys for some reason. All the good ones seem to be taken.
  • Yep. But I found someone even better and I'm not stuck married to a guy who, at 28 years old, acts like he's 18.
  • Quave
    Hmm... difficult one. I guess... if it's something that you need to work on so hard, maybe it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be forced.
    Having said that, can never assume things when it comes to this. Ask him, talk to him. Better that than lose him because you thought that was it.
    Go on, don't be a girl, don't drop hints, don't make him guess.
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