curiousillusion

You might remember a while back that I was debating on going to a bar by myself. I was conflicted on if I SHOULD go by myself, and then everyone said it was a good idea (well, most everyone).  But since then, I hadn’t been so inclined, or I’ve had things to do.  Until Saturday night, when I finally did it – I want to a bar on my own.

It had been a long week and I just deserved a drink. Unfortunately, my friend that I usually go out with was otherwise occupied and even though she said we’d hang out later, I didn’t think it was going to happen. So I got myself all prettied up and went to the bar that I had previously been with @jamieallison. It’s more of a lounge than a bar, when we went it wasn’t very crowded (actually it was pretty empty) and it didn’t feel sleazy or anything at all.  (This time it got much more crowded, but it still didn’t feel overwhelming.)

So I did it. I went up to the bar, pulled up a chair, and ordered myself a drink.  (And then promptly wondered why I wasn’t carded because I’m ALWAYS carded.) I had planned to try not to be in the corner of the bar but unfortunately most of the seats at the bar were taken and I decided to leave the obligatory seat open in between me and this other guy already at the bar.  So I sipped my pineapple & Malibu, glanced up a few times at the TV (stupid Duke was winning), fiddled with my phone and then had one of those “now what?” moments.

This is why I had brought my book.  So I busted it out and started reading it, right at the bar. (For those who are interested, I’m reading I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb… I bought it randomly earlier that day when I needed a book to take to the park, plus I had previously read a book by the same author that I really liked.) Reading at the bar was… different.  I mean, I can pretty much read anywhere so that’s not the problem, I just felt like people were giving me funny looks.

Now, I had brought the book to read a) for something to keep me busy and b) because my brother thought it would be a conversation starter.  I have to say that I think conversation was started IN SPITE of my reading a book, not because of it. When the bartender asked if I was ready for another drink, I tried to make conversation and be friendly (I figured, if I come back to this bar, it’d be nice to get along with the bartenders) and mentioned being kind of hidden by some big pitcher thingys.  We talked about that for a sec, and then she brought the guy sitting near me into the conversation – he’s kind of a regular at the place and had tried the drink that was blocking my view.

And that’s when the evening got better.  I ended up spending the rest of the evening talking to that guy, eventually scooting over to the empty seat near him to talk better… and it was fun.  I had a great time, laughed a lot, as did he… and he has a great smile too. :)  And for those wondering, this guy actually LIVES in town and doesn’t seem to have any plans to move.  Just when I was starting to think that people here in town had something against me…

Now, where does the book play in all this?  I mentioned the conversation started in spite of me reading… but it did prove to be a conversation topic.  He asked what I was reading (I mean, if you saw a girl reading in a bar, wouldn’t you ask?) and even though he hadn’t heard of it, it got us talking about books – where he mentioned some books he’s trying to read. And I have to say, I love it when I hear that a guy reads books. I mean, I’m pretty picky about guys in general, but the main thing that I want is a reader.  So I guess you could say the book came in handy after all.  Maybe if I had been reading a more popular/recognizable book, things might have gone differently.

I had only expected to stay at the bar for maybe an hour but I ended up staying until it closed down.  The guy walked me to my car, asked for my number and we’ve exchanged a few texts since then. Not too shabby, eh?  I have to call that night a success.  We’ll see what happens next.

Would I go out to a bar on my own again?  Absolutely.  I’m sure I’ll still feel awkward and people will always give me funny looks for reading in a bar, but lately I’m just craving human contact.  I’m tired of being shut in my room, day in and day out, and I just want to get out there and be social, you know? Actually TALK to someone, not just online.

And hey, if I meet a cute guy as a result, I’m definitely not complaining.

I mentioned meeting a guy on my trip and I have had people left and right ask for more details, of which I have given few. Part of it is loving having these memories all snug and warm in my heart, where no one can tear them apart. And part of it is that I don’t think my blog is the right place to talk about the specifics.

But I will say one quick thing about that guy, and then I’m done… he is the first guy that I’ve been with that I’ve been able to be completely honest with, completely myself with. A while back I had realized that in all my previous relationships, I was never ME. I was always trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be, or I was just hiding a part of myself. And maybe it was just because I thought I was never going to see him again or maybe it’s because of who he is… but with this guy, I didn’t have that problem. It’s refreshing. It’s remarkable.

That being said, I’m pretty sure that chapter is closed. A very short chapter, some might even consider it merely worthy of a small footnote, but I think it was rather significant and deserves a separate place in my life. About an hour talking in airports, two hours talking on a plane, and six hours talking the next night… and every time I think about him and everything that happened, I smile. A big smile, that warms me up inside, that stays with me as I sleep. Because, if nothing else… I am left with wonderful memories, and hope. And hope is powerful.

So I have this dilemma in my head and I figured I’d take it to the blog and let you guys sort it out for me… as a warning, I tend to go on and on when I write.  Sorry.

A few weekends ago I was supposed to have plans to go out and get drinks with my co-worker.  I was really looking forward to it, as it had been absolutely ages since I’d gone out for drinks with a friend.  For a while it started to look like she wasn’t going to be able to make it and there I was, all dressed up with nowhere to go.  I started to consider going out by myself… and then it all worked out and we went out.

Anyway, when I was debating going out alone, I asked twitter.  An overwhelming amount of people were basically, yes, do it! but a few people were very hesitant about me going out alone, one going so much as saying, nothing good will come of this. Scary words, indeed.

Last week, the very awesome @jamieallison came down and we went to get drinks at a place near my house, which was the bar that I had intended on going to by myself, if it had come to that.  I had never been but always wanted to go, and it turns out to be a very nice bar – kind of posh and swanky, and not crowded at all.  One of her first thoughts was “oh I would totally come here by myself” and I kind of agreed – I didn’t feel unsafe, it seemed very nice and considering it was only a hop, skip and a jump from my house – very convenient.

However… the bar tended to have an older crowd, well… older than me.  The people there were more mostly mid- to late 30-40 years old and while there were a few guys our age (and yes a few were cute and no, sadly, they didn’t hit on us), for the most part it seemed a bit “old” for us.  And knowing my luck, the guys that WOULD hit on me, would be the ones that were out of my age range.

The other thing is, I don’t know how comfortable I’d be going to a bar alone (and it goes beyond the “I don’t feel safe anywhere in Houston alone” issue I have).  Being single for over a year now (sob), I’ve gotten comfortable at doing a lot of things on my own – going to movies, shopping, even eating out… but the bar life isn’t something I’ve attempted.  I’m big on people watching and I think I wouldn’t mind grabbing a drink or two at the bar while watching what everyone was up to, but eventually I think I’d feel silly being all alone.  Like people must be thinking “oh that pathetic girl”.

My brother, actually, was encouraging me to go out to a bar by myself, when I was complaining about sitting at home alone all the time.  He said I should bring a book with me, preferably a semi-popular one, because (in his words), “if I see a girl reading a book in a bar, that tells me that she wants to be in the bar for a drink, but the fact that she brings a book tell me she doesn’t go often.  And a book is a good starting off point for a conversation.”  I kind of think he has a point.

Anyway, for the near future the point is moot – my birthday is Friday and I actually have plans for this weekend, which actually makes the third weekend in a row I’ve had stuff to do – exciting!  But, I am thinking about what will happen after that, when the fun dies down and I start going stir crazy for social interaction.

So, to sum it up… good idea or bad idea for a single girl to go out and get a drink on her own?  Take into consideration the following factors: bar is nearby, girl doesn’t drink that much (aka there’s no concern for having had too much to drink to drive herself home), bar is nice and safe-feeling and girl is starting to get tired of spending weekends home alone.  Thoughts?

[Lol, my brain is in a million places at once, and I'm running out of time before I have to cook, etc.  So... I'm posting this, even though it is just general ramblings with no sense of order. Enjoy.]

So… 2 weeks later I can finally say that my dream came true – I got that new student today. As is always the case with new students, I never want to say too much immediately because kids tend to come out of their shell after a few days of acting like angels… but this new student is adorable. First of all, I was glad to get another girl, my boys have been outnumbering my girls all year and I like having some form of balance… now things are a bit more even. Plus this little girl seems really smart, so I won’t need to catch her up on too much, which is a relief. Yay for happy days.

Meanwhile… I’ve had boys on the brain for the past week.  I feel like I’m back in high school again.  Actually, that’s a lie – I went to an all-girls high school so boys weren’t even an option, but you get my point.  I guess you can say, I feel like I’m tired of being single.  On the same hand, I can totally see the benefits but on the other… it’d be nice to have someone.  I may go into more specifics in a later blog post.  We’ll see.  I hate harping on being single, mainly because I feel like it’s annoying.

In other news, the weather is getting warmer again.  We’re due to be in the 60s-70s all week and while you’d think that would be nice… I’m not ready. I mean, yes, 70 is actually quite the perfect temperature… not cold at all, slightly warm… but we barely got a winter!   It’s okay though, this is the time of year where, for the next two months, it’ll be super warm one week, then dip back down super cold the next.  It’s kind of… frustrating.

That’s all I’ve got for today. My mind is like ADD today, can’t focus at all. Sorry!

Do you have a person, an ex perhaps, that was a “could’ve been”?  For all intents and purposes, that person was good, better than so many others, there was potential for some form of relationship… but, for whatever reason, it just didn’t work out?  No horrible breakup, no huge flaw… just something didn’t take and so you drifted apart?  I’m stuck on mine. (Btw, you notice how I was all gender neutral there?  Yeah I tried to be, for you guys. Awww.)

I’m very much of the mindset that, if it’s meant to happen, it will happen.  If we weren’t meant to be together then tragic, but that means that there’s someone else out there for me.   Now, when I have a bad breakup (and, aren’t most breakups bad?), I always have that set of time where I don’t wish them well, I don’t hope they find someone else… I just want to be petty because if I’m alone, shouldn’t they be alone too?  But eventually I move on emotionally, and in my head I wish them happiness.

And I do, I wish all my exes happiness, deep down.  Even the one that really messed with my head and screwed with my heart.  And even this guy.  This could’ve been guy.  But at the same time that I’m wishing him happiness, I’m wishing *we* could have had that happiness.  I get jealous if I think he has a girl, or even if I get the impression that he doesn’t want to hang out with me and that’s silly because I’m the one that left.  We could’ve been so much more than we were, and it’s because of me.  I have no right to be jealous.  And yet I am.  Because he’s my could’ve been guy.

I don’t know what I’m getting at.  I guess I’m just bummed.  It’s been a year, an entire year, of me being single and while it’s been mostly a good year… I’m ready for an adventure.  I’m ready for at least a little bit of dating – is that too much to ask for?  And I guess when I start thinking like that, I think about my could’ve been guy and I wonder why it ended up could’ve been and not more.  I know I need to let him go, and let the *idea* of him go.  It’s just hard. He’s my could’ve been guy for a reason – he’s a good guy and he always treated me great.   Sigh.

I guess I just need to keep in mind that there’s someone out there for me, someone that’s even better than my could’ve been guy.  Just wish he’d hurry up and get here…

I’ve mentioned previously that I’m perfectly content being single… while I wouldn’t mind having a boyfriend, or even dating, I don’t feel the overwhelming need to have someone.  But sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that feels that way.  Especially when I’m around my friends that have boyfriends.  It seems that most of my friends have significant others and they fall into 2 categories… they either feel the need to spend *all* their time with their boyfriend/husband, inviting him along everywhere… or they don’t.

I have to say, I prefer the ones that don’t feel the need to invite their significant other everywhere.  In San Antonio I had two really good friends and we would go out, see a movie, have a few drinks, have girl talk… and that was great!  It’s nice to be able to go out and chat about whatever.   It obviously wasn’t a regular thing because they had husbands and children, but once in a while they would have their husbands babysit (or their moms, whatever) and we would get to go out.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can understand how some couples want to spend their time together.  My brother and his girlfriend live in different cities so it only makes sense that on the weekends they do get to see each other, they spend as much time as possible together… I don’t fault them for it.

However, I can’t stand when my friends have boyfriends and hanging out with my friend means hanging out with her boyfriend, no matter what.   I mean, yeah, sometimes the boyfriend is cool and we can all get along and that’s great.  But every single time?  Plus I think it’s one thing to say, “hey let’s go out… and oh, is it okay if my boyfriend joins us?” It’s another thing when my friend suggests we hang out and then when we go to hang out, oh look – the boyfriend is here.   And no, it’s not bitterness or jealousy… it’s me wanting to spend time with a friend.  Is that so bad?

Maybe it’s just me though.  I’ve never been one to *always* spend time with a significant other… there are times for that, and then there are times when you can each do your own thing.  My parents are the same way – they go out together, but then my dad will go to the pub and my mom will hang out with her friends and they don’t always need to be with each other.  I kind of think that’s a sign of a healthy relationship.

But again, maybe that’s just me.  Sigh.

So I started the daunting process of packing up my apartment last night and I began with my DVDs and books, because I seem to have massive amounts of both of them.  (Sidebar: it’s moments like these when I begin to see why an e-reader could be a very good idea and quite possibly worth the money.)  But it’s funny, when I started putting my books into boxes, I started seeing ones that I suddenly wanted to read again.  It must be the very act of putting it out of reach that makes me want to reach for it.

You see, I’m a very big re-reader.  In fact, most of the books that I own, I’ve read at least twice, if not more.  But then there are the books that get away from me, that I find I never actually finished reading.  They are not many but they are around.  Tonight I stumbled upon one of them – Single: The art of being satisfied, fulfilled, and independent.

I’m not one for self-help books but this book came into my life a little over 2 years ago, when I started getting out of a serious relationship, and it was a book that was recommended to me.  It probably came into my life just at the right time – I could not stand being on my own: at night I would frantically roam around my seemingly empty apartment (after living with someone for the past few years), desperate for someone to talk to, other than my cat.  I really did not like the idea of being single.

As I said, however, I never got around to finishing the book, or even reading past the first few pages.  I found people to hang out with, things to distract me, a guy to date… and the book ended up tucked away in the bookshelf, forgotten… until last night.  I decided not to pack it or donate it, but instead to set about reading it.

Funny thing though.  It’s not for me anymore.  The very purpose of the book is to get people to understand how satisfying it is to be single, to not feel bad about, say, eating alone in a restaurant, that you can be happy without having a relationship… and I don’t need a book to teach me that or anyone to tell me that.  I figured that out on my own.

Right before 2008 ended, I ended a relationship – the guy was sweet, really cared for me but, I soon realized, was not meant for me and I was not meant for him.  And ever since, I’ve spent a lot of time on my own.  I mean, I’ve gone out, had fun with some friends, but I haven’t actively been looking for anyone.  I’ve just been enjoying having my apartment to myself, having *my TV remote to myself* (lol), embracing the peace and quiet… and basically enjoying being single.  Isn’t it funny how that can just happen?

So I guess the book will get donated after all.  Nothing against the book, I’m sure it is a great one.  I just don’t need it anymore.