curiousillusion

Big day today.  Huge.  In fact, I’m a little over the moon about it – half excited and half “omg did I really just do that?!”  If you follow me on twitter, you already know what happened.  However… I don’t want to talk about it on the blog just yet.  I’m worried that doing so may jinx it… in fact, I’m worried that tweeting about it may have jinxed it.

When I was in high school, my parents told me they were going to get me a car.  Obviously this was a big deal and I was super excited.  I was told the details about the car and so the next day I went to school and excitedly told my friends what kind of car I was going to get – silver with a CD changer, I can’t remember what else it had but it was going to be nice.  Then when I got home from school, my parents told me they decided not to go with that car anymore.  What a letdown, to go to school the next day and say that no, I didn’t have a car yet and I didn’t know what kind of car I *was* going to get.  Of course I did eventually get a car and while it wasn’t as fantastic as the car I thought I was going to get, it was a great little car and I loved it.  But still.  The memory stuck with me.

So ever since then, I’ve been reluctant to get excited about big things – I get paranoid and superstitious instead.   Is anyone else like that?   Early this year, in March, I went to Australia and I knew about it pretty early into the year, but I refused to write it down in my planner until it was a week or two away – I felt that if I wrote it down, it could be changed.  Same with my trip to Oregon in August – it was a big deal for me and I was so excited about it that I worried it wouldn’t happen.

Therefore… I’m going to wait a bit before discussing my big news.  I want to wait for a confirmation email or a shipping number or something.   But in the meantime, you can be excited for me.  And nervous with me.  And maybe cross your fingers or something while we wait?  I have a feeling this is going to be a long wait…

Day 28/30 of NaBloPoMo… holding thumbs!

Sometimes I wonder about myself.  Okay, maybe it’s not just sometimes, it’s always.   It’s just that… I’m 27, going on 28. But I feel like I haven’t accomplished all that I should have accomplished by now.  Or, rather than that – I feel that I’m not acting my age enough – that I still feel like I’m living like a college kid or something.

I mean, let’s put it this way.  I know plenty of people that are my age that are married and have kids.  And while I do want that at some point (definitely, no question), it just feels so far out of my reach right now. It feels like I’m so far away from getting there.  I’m ages away from people like that.  Instead I’m 27 and living with my parents.  And yes, living with my parents is only temporary, and it was made as a good decision to pay down debt for a year… but still.  27 and living with my parents?  Really?

I don’t know, I guess I just get jealous.  I WANT what those other people have.  A husband to come home to, kids to raise.   But on the other hand, I can hardly wrap my head around it – I feel like I’m not mature enough to raise a child just yet. I like my sleep – I need 8 hours or I become cranky teacher at work – and people with babies don’t get 8 hours of sleep.  People with children need to cook and clean and I don’t do either of those things well or on a regular basis.  I look at these people in awe (yes, Beth, you’re one of them) because I don’t know how I’d handle myself in their shoes. I don’t think I *could* handle myself.

I don’t know.  Maybe I should leave my lazy college days behind me once and for all – quit lounging around watching TV so much and… do something?  Or maybe I should just embrace these days as my last chance at freedom, before I finally do meet that guy that gets me to settle down.  Or maybe I should just quit thinking about it all – surely the husband and kids thing will happen when it’s meant to be.  Maybe right now I DO need to be living it up while I still can.  Who wants to get margaritas with me?! :)

Edited to add: Yes, I am aware – I’m overthinking things.  That’s what I do on the blog, I overthink. Because let’s face it, if I weren’t overthinking things, I wouldn’t have anything to blog about.   Don’t like it?  Don’t read it.

Day 25/30 of NaBloPoMo… thinking too much.

45 minute teacher observation tomorrow.  It was supposed to be LAST Monday but the admin was sick so it had to get postponed.  45 minutes is a LONG time to get observed, especially considering how much can go wrong with 5 year olds in that amount of time.  Keeping their attention span for the entire time would be a miracle.  I’m nervous.  Plus I have to follow a curriculum that, for this lesson, seems boring and too short so I have no idea how this is going to go.

Plus, later on in the week I have parent/teacher conferences.  That’s right, 3 hours straight of meeting with 20+ parents, listening to their complaints and concerns, expressing MY complaints and concerns (lol)… Yikes.  Luckily each conference is only scheduled to be 10 minutes and since they’re scheduled back-to-back, parents really aren’t going to be able to go any longer than that without disrupting the whole schedule/angering other parents.  But still.  Gulp.

AND… my stomach started hurting this morning, reminiscent of what happened to me on Monday.  It has been uneasy all day, which makes me nervous.  So NOT what I need right now.

Is it Friday yet?

So yesterday marked 1 month since I’ve been going to the gym (well technically 1 month and 1 day) and I got measured to see my progress.  Unfortunately, there is very little progress to speak of, and I should see more results after another month or two.  But there is *some* news:

• I’ve gained 2lbs.  However, I’ve been told by the trainer that the 2lbs I gained are actually muscle, and he knows that because…
• I dropped .02% in body fat.  That’s not a lot but it’s a start… and the more muscle I gain, the more body fat I’ll lose.  Hopefully.
• Cute trainer wants me to start pushing myself more: 40 minutes of cardio instead of 30, more reps and less time resting between sets.   I’m really going for it too – I want to see results.  I’ve also been told I need to do one high impact cardio class a week, namely spin.  I’m going to start after I get back from Oregon.  No excuses.
• Unfortunately I’m also less motivated to go to the gym, I guess because now I don’t have specific times to meet a trainer.  It’s become far too easy for me to say “I’ll go tomorrow”.  I’m still trying to go 4x a week, although my trip to Oregon might make that a bit difficult.

In other news, my dad just found out that the job he’s working on finishes at the end of this month.  Which is bad because as of right now he doesn’t have a job to work on after the current one ends and having a job is kind of important.  Plus lately the industry he’s in (don’t ask me for details cuz I don’t know them) is kinda tough-going.  I hope it all works out and soon.

Meanwhile, in cryptic news… I’m letting something bother me that I shouldn’t. I have this annoying habit of worrying about what people think and caring when others obviously doesn’t… and even though I tell myself that “if they don’t care, I don’t care”… I care.  And it hurts, and it gets to me.  I need to just let it go.  Life is too short to be upset over things I can’t change… and to have friends that treat me badly and don’t really care about me.  I deserve better.